Eight Horrible Ways You Didn't Know You Could Injure Your Junk

I have seen titans crumble and grown men cry with a well placed kick to their goods. Women whine and complain about childbirth and periods, but they will never understand the indescribable pain that comes with a punch to the balls. As a matter of fact, I would propose that if women and men could feel the pain of the opposite sex, the men would gladly bleed for three days if they could give up the vulnerability of their little swingers. Maybe not… Because I like to take things to eleven that really shouldn’t be taken past three, I thought it would be fun and horrible to take something that could cripple a man just by the mere mention of it and explain to you how it can be so much worse. Let me put it to you this way: I originally took this article to Cracked and the only thing I got in return was an envelope full of what I assume are David Wong’s tears. Think getting kicked in the nuts is awful? Here are things that make an iron toed boot look like a well-oiled hooker hand.

#8: The Computer Cock-Cooker

Who hasn’t balanced a laptop on their lap. Hell, it’s the very definition of a “laptop” that it be on top of your lap. However, by doing this, you could be slowly destroying the things you hold most dear. Yes, dear friends, you are cooking your meat and two vegetables… quite literally. The most insidious part of this wiener roast is that you honestly don’t know you’re doing it until the deed is done! You can burn your balls to blisters and never feel a thing. In a sense, it’s like a sunburn in the worst possible spot. A little anatomy lesson for you – the Death Star has an exhaust port and guys have balls on the outside of their bodies. It seems like an insane weakness that you would think would instantly disprove the existence of a caring God, but there is actually a very simple reason why these two spheres of pent up pain just dangle where they do: sperm dies if it gets too hot. Safe and secure in a low-hanging leathery pouch, though, sperm is happy and healthy and a few degrees cooler than your body temperature. This is also why, when it gets cold, your balls retreat into your chest because they need to keep your little swimmers warm also.

So imagine that your balls are just hanging out one day nice and cool and happy, when all of the sudden you put a laptop computer on them. It doesn’t take a scientist to tell you that this is going to be trouble… actually, it takes about a dozen. These scientists, you see, did a study where they hooked up thermometers to the balls of 29 young men – I assume that the promise of candy and puppies was used at one point – and discovered that, after having them put a laptop in their laps, the temperature of said balls became dangerous… in 10 minutes! These 29 guys didn’t feel a goddamn thing, either! How big of a problem could a pair of overcooked meatballs really be? The American Urological Association (who makes it a habit to know these things) says that one in six American couples have trouble conceiving a baby and, out of these millions of infertile couples, ball-burning laptops are the culprit a whopping half of the time! Just like your goddamn iPad, your laptop is making you less of a man. Could it get any worst? Hold on to your scrote, kids, because it does get worse. Much much worse. The “worse” part of this story happened to a 50 year old scientist who was not named because, I guess being a 50 year-old scientist, he should have known goddamn better. After using his laptop for an hour one day, he awoke the following morning to discover that he had second degree burns on his cock ‘n balls. Keep in mind, this guy was fully clothed and was not injured right away, but rather the painful pus-filled blisters took a whole day to appear! …and he didn’t feel a thing! What’s worse is that there is nothing you can do to prevent these horrible burning injuries to yourself short of… you know… taking the goddamn thing off your lap. Have we also mentioned that some laptop batteries explode and catch fire faster than you can say “firecrotch?”

#7: The Ol' Zubrick in the Zipper

You remember that hilariously uncomfortable scene in There’s Something About Mary? No, not the overly tanned geriatric tit shot… the other thing. The scene when Ben Stiller zips up a little too quickly and catches himself in his zipper.

Oh, we as a nation laughed and laughed and laughed, but there was a rather frighteningly large population of men who were not laughing. Not one goddamn bit. Those men were huddled in the corner, crying and sucking their thumbs… having flashbacks more intense than anyone who has ever been to war. That Ben Stiller moment actually happened to those poor men and, every year, an astounding number of victims join their ranks – men who have caught their dick in their zipper. Stop laughing! This shit isn’t funny! Zipper accidents, or as I liked to call them, “Pecker Wreckers,” account for one in every 4,000 male visits to the emergency room and is the most common dick-injury. A lot of these poor blokes are between the ages of 2 and 12 and half were not wearing underwear at the time that one zip destroyed their lives. Is it possible to get the meat above the berries? Well, you would need a ton of upper body strength to do it, but based on the descriptions of the scrotum, head, and dick skin getting hung in the zipper, I’m assuming that it is almost as excruciating. As a final note, see where I use the word “hung?” These injuries aren’t a simple, “Ow, I got caught in my zipper and now I’m okay” injury, these poor unfortunate souls had to go to an emergency room to have the zipper surgically removed from their shit! The mere thought of that is enough to put any man in elastic pants for the rest of his life. He might not be stylish, but at least his junk will be safe.

#6. Breaking Balls

The term “breaking balls” has been around forever and is usually something you say when you are put in a position of difficulty or inconvenience. Ie: “Aw, you’re breaking my balls here!” However, you can literally break your balls sort of like you break an egg and the last word I would use for that particular injury is “inconvenient.”

As I’ve stated, when it comes to organs of the human body, the balls are particularly vulnerable. I mean, come on… they are just hanging there like a pair of hairy meaty punching bags practically begging to be kicked or flicked by some horrible bitch who thinks it’s funny (You hear that, Vanessa? Fuck you and bring my shirt back!). If you happen to be struck in the nuts, it hurts in a way indescribable… if you get punched in the grapes hard enough with a blunt or sharp object, the sensation goes way beyond mere pain – it becomes something transcendent and you have an out of body experience where you watch as your very soul is torn apart by high-kicking demons. You have just suffered a testicular rupture meaning you have literally broken your manberries, the contents of which are now spilling out into your sack like a cracked egg. Now you are in the most pain you have ever experienced in your life – you are hurting so bad that your ancestors all double over at once, grabbing their gonads as they fall. You are hurt so bad that, if you are ever capable of having children, they will be born in neck braces. Thankfully, your boys down under can be fixed with surgery, but unfortunately, this means that you will have to allow doctors with a needle and thread access to your undercarriage. If you could throw some rectal surgery and the death of a family pet, it would be your best day ever!

#5: Snapped Snausage

There you are, swinging around the room in your crotchless Batman costume as your woman looks on from the bed in full Joker makeup (I don’t judge, you do your own thing). Let’s just say that you are happy… extremely happy. Happy like mad when, all of the sudden, your trusty bat-rope/sex swing gives way and you fly out of the second story window of your home. You land face down on the concrete sidewalk below in front of two very shocked Jehovahs Witnesses and a girl scout who will be so traumatized that she will never sell cookies again. You don’t care, though. Nothing matters anymore. You have broken your dick. Repeat: You have broken… YOUR DICK!

You are now the unfortunate victim of a penile fracture. The accident is extremely rare, but the very fact that it can happen at all is enough to make every man reading this go out and buy an iron cup. Let’s back up… even grade school kids know that there is actually no bone in your boner, so how the hell did Batman break his dick? Inside a man’s shwanse, you will find a series of spongy tissues called tunica albuginea that, when combined with blood pumped in because of a low cut blouse or a national geographic spread, causes the mammoth erection that seems to be the focus of everything in a man’s life. Combine this throbbing temple of manhood with a severe blunt trauma and this spongy material can actually snap (those who have been unfortunate enough to experience it have described an audible pop). Although it will be of little comfort to you, rest assured that penile fractures are not a death sentence for your yingyang. A broken dick can be fixed with surgery or, if you’re a DiY type of guy, a little duct tape and popsicle sticks.

#4. Twisting your Testis

Testicular Torsion was recently made famous in an episode of The Venture Brothers and, while the world of Hank, Dead, and Brock is nothing more than a very entertaining cartoon, the condition is as unfortunately as real as dead kittens, crying children, and Adam Sandler comedies. Testicular Torsion is a needlessly complicated way of saying that one of your nuts is twisted inside your scrotum and, when you consider how sensitive one of your balls are when someone simply brushes against it, you can imagine that torting your testis brings a whole new level of pain and suffering. Sometimes called “Winter Syndrome” because, duh, most cases happen in the winter when balls are trying to retreat up into the abdomen for safety and warmth (sort of like a pair of fat mangy groundhogs), testicular torsion can literally happen at any time. If your balls decide to do like Chubby Checker and do the Twist, there is nothing you can really do about it other than scream for six hours and marvel at how large, purple, and swollen your usually wrinkly sack gets. Why only six hours? Well, six hours is about the amount of time that your nut can survive with a kink in its blood supply. After that, the motherfucker can and probably will die and then you will have one raisin-like zombie testicle rotting inside your scrotum and giving you no choice but to once again expose your tender netherregions to a bunch of doctors with knives… and they’ve probably been drinking, too.

#3. Excruciating Erections

When I first saw a commercial for boner pills, I remembered laughing at the warning at the end that said that if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours, you should see a doctor. Hell, I thought, if I had a four hour boner, I’d be showing it off to everyone I could find.

That’s why I’m not allowed to teach anymore. Still, it’s a funny thing to think about… having to go into an ER and explain to the nurse who has that permanent look on her face like she doesn’t have time for your wiener-worshipping bullshit, that you’ve had a rager for more than four hours. Do they really take that kind of crap seriously? It turns out… uh, yes they do. Also, you’d probably be too busy screaming to find any humor in the entire situation. The condition is called a priapism and it’s named after a Greek God. Yes, apparently, there was a Greek God of Painful Erections, which is an inappropriate thing to point out because a priapism is a fucking medical emergency. A hilarious, but serious medical emergency. It turns out that a blood-enriched love rocket is kind of like a phallic traffic jam. The blood goes in, things get erect… stay erect… and never stop being erect. A hard-on is temporary for a good goddamn reason. When you have one, you’re not getting a fresh supply of blood to your ham-sword. Thankfully, when things cool down, the wood subsides, and the normal flow of blood returns to your John Thomas. When you have a persistent shmeckle salute in your pants, your todger doesn’t get any fresh blood and the cells inside it will start to scream for oxygen, get damaged and even die! If not treated with medication, eventually, you could develop erectile dysfunction and have a permanently disabled dingy for the rest of your life and for once, the useless flap of skin attached to the penis would just be the man.

#2. Fish Filleted Phallus

Let’s say you’re in South America swimming in the Amazon despite the fact that everything in and around it wants to kill you. There you are, enjoying the unspoiled and likely life-threatening majesty of the rain forests when you suddenly feel the need to answer nature’s call. Realizing that there is no “p” in “river,” you suddenly find it very sensible just to let the tinkle fly and, as you stand there smiling because you KNOW everyone around you is wondering why the water suddenly got warmer, you suddenly feel a sharp pain in your tallywacker… which grows more and more painful each second until you are a screeching personification of pain. Also, all of the natives now know that you are the bastard that peed in the water because you have just fallen prey to the candiru – also known as the toothpick or vampire fish – and something I like to call the Amazon Wang Wrecker. It’s karma for anyone who pisses in the water… horrible, painful, awful karma. You see, where some fish swim upstream, the candiru swims upstream… your dick. Although there’s only been one documented case of a candiru attack (and it’s a little iffy), tales of these frightening dong-destroying fish have been around for abound five hundred years. The lore has it that these fish are parasites and attach themselves to the gills of other fish, attracted to the ammonia given off by them (ammonia also found in human piss). These toothpick-sized torpedoes happen upon pee in the river and, thinking that they are in for a free ride, rocket towards and up into the source, latching onto the inside of the urethra with their spiked fins quicker than the thought of “Oh God, I’m stuck in some guy’s cock!” can register in their little fish brains. Needless to say, this hurts like a bitch. The fish will wriggle trying to get further into its new home and any attempt to pull it out, with the exception of surgery, is useless and ultimately more painful. It’s like trying to pull a fish hook out of your pee hole which would make an excellent trap in a Saw movie. These fish have also been known to lodge themselves in vaginas as well which would present a very terrifying double threat to any man hoping to get it on with a chick in the Amazon. One minute you’re getting some sweet sweet South American sex and the next minute… Surprise! Fish in your dick! I swear, it’s almost like this fish was made for a South American Pie movie.

#1. Cootchie Collapse

And now one for the ladies…. Ladies, did you know that your entire pussy can collapse? Jesus Christ, I didn’t know that either! Before, I threw caution to the wind when I spelunker into a lady friends vag and now I feel like I have to put up wooden supports or die in a cave in!

It’s called Vaginal Prolapse and it usually involves something falling into the canyon o’ sex that isn’t supposed to be there. I’m not taking a wristwatch or a Dorito, I’m talking like a bladder or a rectum (no, I am not shitting you). It turns out that the va-jay-jay is actually a series of muscles that hold a lot of organs in place. I was not aware of this because I thought that the only organ the vagina held in place was my dick. If something happens to any of these muscles as a result of childbirth, surgery, or injury, the whole thing will collapse like a Virginia Coal mine and, if the woman is your mom, would probably trap at least 19 men as well. What’s worse is that the entire cootchie could fall out like some sort of pussy-lanche turning a beautiful innie into a terrifying outie. Thankfully, a complete prolapse is rare and usually only happens after a complete hysterectomy or a night with me. I know I’m making light of something medically serious and painful… but this is payback for you evil bitches who think it’s funny to flick my goddamn nuts.