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How Not To Get Your Balls Chopped By Andrea Garcia-Vargas

Since April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, it is a perfect time to talk about one form of sexual assault that often gets ignored by hairy, bra-burning feminists: woman-on-wiener violence. It’s not the 90s anymore, but Lorena Bobbitt’s spirit lives on in the hearts of penis-cleaving gals all over the globe.

Three weeks ago, Catherine Kieu Becker, the Orange County woman who cut off her husband’s penis and threw it in the garbage disposal, appeared in court for a pretrial hearing. Floridian escort Priscilla Vaughn scored originality points back in March by not using blades or scissors, but her own teeth to do the deed. Though her date’s dick is intact, the police say she did some major damage to his balls. And last year, Virginia Valdez and Julia Huamán Muñoz both attempted to sever their husbands’ penises. Julia was successful in the act, ensuring that her husband won’t ever be able to have “normal sex” again. While Valdez didn't completely lop off her husband's pickle, the police say she effectively “disfigured the victim’s genitals,” which is nothing to shake a stick at.

I’m not one of those self-hating girls who thinks feminism made men get the short end of the stick, but you people with penises need to learn how to guard your groins. If women can get told “how to not get raped” from men, you fellas need a lesson on how to not lose your family jewels from ladies. Obviously, it is all your fault. So penis-peddlers, listen up: this is how not to get Lorena Bobbitted.

Watch Your Food

Look twice at anything a woman serves you. Ask her to try it first. Actually, just cook your own food and stop being a lazy ass. If Catherine Becker’s husband had thought twice before eating the tofu soup she made him that later knocked him out, his dick wouldn’t have ended up shredded to pieces in the garbage disposal. Figure out how to cook up some ramen or else you might end up a castrato.

Don’t Be Submissive During BDSM

Spanking and gagging is for prissy prudes. If you can’t play Rip the Tip Off Your Dick, you don’t belong in Kim Tran’s Alaskan dungeon. Her husband found out the hard way back in 2005, when he allowed Kim to tie him up and she used the opportunity to sever his pecker. Maybe they should've used a safety word?

Avoid Women Named Tran

In addition to Kim Tran of Alaska, another lady named Kim Tran from Vancouver took her husband’s schlong down a notch back in 1998. And Tran Tu Tran of Sydney, Australia, put her hubby’s wang on a chopping block in 1996. A rose by any other name might not walk off with your manhood.

Never Fall Asleep with a Woman

Sleeping with a woman makes you go from REM to RPL—instead of rapid eye movement, you have rapid penis loss. This is even worse than letting yourself be tied up, because at least if you are tied up, you can scream for help. But sleeping? Until she actually cuts your dick off, you won’t know a thing. Taking advantage of a sleeping man is what skyrocketed Lorena Bobbitt into infamy. Julia Huamán Muñoz was cunning enough to follow suit last September.

Even Your Mother Can’t Be Trusted

There really isn't anything snarky to say about these cases because they are such a bummer. The one woman you're supposed to be able to trust is your mother. Alas, in December, a third grader’s mother , except she was actually successful. Sadly, the boy will be disabled for life. And a couple hundred miles over in the Jiangsu Province, a mother was in hysterics that her five-month-old baby was a boy and not a girl, so she performed a home-sex-change operation on him. These two ladies are definitely the worst moms on the planet, or at least the most disturbed.

Stay Away from the Toilet

Toilets are depositories for all kinds of gross stuff like shit, piss, menstrual blood, and apparently severed dongs. Both Kim Trans, Julia Muñoz as well as Tsui Mei-Ying, who cleaved a dick back in 1987, can testify to that. In the first Kim Tran’s case, the Anchorage Water and Wastewater Facility managed to wrench the toilet from its base and retrieve her husband's cum gun. It was successfully reattached.

Don’t Invite Her to a Threesome

Cheating on a nutcase is pretty bold behavior, but inviting your crazy wife to have sex with you and your mistress takes some serious cojones—ones that will ultimately become damaged goods. Xie Mau-Mann from China’s Guangdong district, was asked by her philandering husband to have a ménage à trois with a woman he brought home. Mrs. Xie declined to join in the threesome, and her husband proceeded to fuck the other woman anyway. According to reports, while the dude took 40 winks, Mrs. Xie “snipped” (that’s what they’re calling it these days?) off his wang with a pair of grocery store scissors and then threw his manhood into a nearby pond. Moral of the story: Ask for a threesome, expect to lose your Johnson.


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